My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.