Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
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saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late