Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
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the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you