Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
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So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.