Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
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God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.