“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
You Might Also Like
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”