What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.