Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
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I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
The Struggle
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.