How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
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My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.