*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”