4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*