never deleting this app.
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
How do you like your Corgi?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed