You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Just me?
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.