I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
You Might Also Like
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.