When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Good advice.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
me irl
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
This took me a second..