My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
You Might Also Like
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Uh oh…
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Did…did a minotaur write this
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?