Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?