got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
This meeting could have been a cake
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.