My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
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My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.