Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh