I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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I think the cat got the dog high.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.