Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
You Might Also Like
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.