next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.