My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real