I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
You Might Also Like
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
The symmetry is uncanny.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.