If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
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Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
That’s classic.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”