4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
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4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Huge, if true.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.