“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
a lot to unpack here
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I can also cook 😂
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need