[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
…..pretty much.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.