I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
oh my god
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’m having an out of money experience.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“What movie?” 🤔
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?