People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
My favorite farside!!
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me too 😆
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud