Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!