Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Sharon I have some bad news
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno