History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
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evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10