I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
You Might Also Like
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.