sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
He’s cranky this morning
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick