My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
knights of the ikea table
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.