Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
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Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Oh, I bet you would be
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.