“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.