If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.