If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
This could be us… but you playing
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.