So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
my proudest tweet
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?