Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?