My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn鈥檛-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
12. I think about this all the damn time
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
subtitles are so good nowadays
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it鈥檚 mine鈥t came with the suit.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where鈥檚 the sauna?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Is it even the holidays if you don鈥檛 have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.