Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes