6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
When does CPR become necrophilia?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.