I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY