Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Every time.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now