i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards