Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Me too
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*